I have desired to write this post for a while now but needed the right moment. I have so many feelings about life, my girls, autism in general. It is so easy for me to jot down everything we are doing and the progress we are making through the decisions we have been led to that I almost completely ignore the emotional and spiritual side of this life in my writing. I do not plan on writing my feelings every post as that is not the goal of Baylor’s Journey. It should play a part but not dominate so maybe I will write more from my heart and show you another view of her journey from outside perspective.
The last two years have rocked our world. By the time I
realized (because I did long before anyone else) Baylor was different I found
out I was pregnant. Five months later I had the rest of our close family and
friends convinced she had autism and we started to get her evaluated. I also
had an appointment to find out we had to deliver our third baby who already had
entered eternity. Our hopes and dreams for Baylor were in complete uncertainty
(or so we thought) and we had to break our Ainsley’s heart and tell her she was
not getting another sibling. It is devastating to watch your child suffer and
not fix her immediately, know that there are things you should be doing although
you only have 1,000 options and no clear cut answers. Your other child
essentially has no sibling as she tries so hard to play with her sister that
wants nothing to do with her and you fail to give her a friend in the family.
Things you do work some do not, and nothing is going as smoothly or as quickly
as you want them to.
You throw yourself at God’s mercy to find enough strength to
get by and you listen to the song “Not Alone” by the band RED to remind
yourself over and over again that you really are not alone. It is on repeat and you realize you are not
alone in this and you are loved beyond compare. The song will forever be my favorite.
But why then does the world have fall to pieces all around me? I am His and He
is mine. This will make me stronger, love more and be who I am supposed to be.
I can do this.
Time goes on. Therapy keeps you so busy you hardly have time
or energy for anyone or anything else. You look to God but only part way. You
only want to give Him some control because you do not want to give it all
because, hey, after all you should have listened to your gut and thrown major
fits based on the voice inside you that always told you to go against the grain
and demand what you feel is best. You need to make sure you do not mess up
again, trust the wrong doctors again, not listen to yourself again. Talk about
mommy guilt. It is not supposed to be heaped on your shoulders but you find
yourself doing it anyway.
On top of guilt is the overwhelming feeling of needing to
help your child while they are still growing. You feel as if you do not do everything
you can right away, the healing and the help won’t either. You cannot risk
wasting a single second of this precious time. That is one myth about autism
and a major spiritual pit thinking you are the one that is supposed to be
healing her. There are so many that a whole post would need to be dedicated. We
try something, it fails. Her sleep is horribly disrupted to the point that you
cannot hold a coherent thought in your head much less speak or carry on
conversation because you only get 3 hours of sleep a night. No one can tell you
what to do or what is going to work. You have to figure it out yourself. That’s okay. We are a tough crew.
Paying for all of this is all on you, too. Nothing is
covered and you refuse to not have your child get some services they need so
you spend your “free” time looking for ways to get her covered. No one stresses
about money though, so I guess I do not need to elaborate.
More time goes on and things are finally in a holding
pattern. Another baby? Should we try this again? On a whim and we are pregnant
with number 4 who was due a few weeks ago. I was so sick. I caught every virus
out there. I truly worried for baby because being sick the whole time would surely
hurt their chances of being healthy themselves. Then I caught RSV. It is a
yucky respiratory infection that the doctors believed crossed over and made
baby sick. Almost at the exact same time as before I delivered another baby
into my Father’s arms.
Really? Why? I mean, is something wrong with me? Am I
cursed? Why would I not be protected this time? Have we not been through
enough? Can I not have a child who would love to play with their siblings? I
have some faith that Baylor will be okay at some point but how will I know for
sure? Then my enemy gets louder. “Your God doesn’t really love you. Look, He
wouldn’t even protect you a second time from losing another baby this late.
There is something wrong with you. Your lack of total faith made this happen.
This is all your fault. In fact everything is.” Then I spoke aloud.
“My God is nothing but good, nothing but Love. There is no
evil in Him and I refuse to believe otherwise. I will hold to what I know and
believe that He is everything He says He is. His character is written in His
Word and I believe it all. And I will believe this forever, no matter what
happens to me.”
You know, the most amazing thing has happened since then.
For one the enemy left me alone. For two my Father took away my mountain of pain.
Took it away in an instant almost. He healed my heart that was still bleeding
from the 18 months prior. He replaced my pain with peace and with joy, and then
He strengthened my faith. I needed 100% faith. Not 80% or 90%. He knew that and
He gave me what I needed to get there.
I am happy to say, 6
months later I do not doubt at all the beauty and the majesty He is going to
shine through Baylor. He is doing it right now. The last two weeks have been
the most amazing we have seen in a really long time. His words and His promises are constantly on
my mind and by reviewing them over and over my soul is renewed daily. I do not
deserve this mercy. I do not deserve this grace. I am in a place now that I
have never been in my life. The beauty of it is that it is for everyone. It is
for anyone who desires to know Him and then looks to Him alone.
Some verses I hold dear (not all because then I would be writing
almost the whole book) and that I know without a shadow of a doubt hold true:
1.
For nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37
2.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not
on your own understanding, in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall
direct your path. Proverbs 3:5-6
3.
And we know that in all things God works for the
good to those who love Him. Romans 8:28
4.
What then shall we say to these things? If God
is for us, who can be against us? Romans
8:31
5.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and
certain of what we do not see. Hebrews
11:1
6.
Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your
plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
7.
He replied, “I tell you the truth, if you have
faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here
to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20.
Keep watching Baylor. You are going to witness the God of
the universe bless and transform her life. She is already is a miracle but there
is one coming through. That is what my
God can do.
