This title is kind of a catch 22 for me. It's about time I wrote another entry and this post is about time in the sense of the where we are this month, day, year, hour, minute.
Sometimes I wonder if time will sort out life itself. I want with everything in me to just KNOW how the full life is going to look for Baylor. My heart longs for her to understand the deepest feelings she has and grasp to the fullest all God has to offer her. I want to see her thrive and not struggle. Her anxiety and inability to always understand that I have her best in mind and I am not walking her into harm's way breaks me. Not being able to communicate fully and her comprehend fully leaves her terrified and my heart heavier than before. But I know better.
I know she is a pretty happy little girl. She does not mind hours outside dropping dirt and jumping on the trampoline. Bay really likes school and her sweet friends whose parents jumped on the opportunity to stretch their children's hearts and minds. I could not thank those parents enough for empowering their babies to be better human beings. My daughter loves quite a few of them and they love her. School has been an amazing place for our B. She sure is giving them a run for their sanity right now with her shenanigans. I never thought I would have two meetings in one week with both church and school to try to correct my pre-k daughter's behavior. That girl is smart. Too smart.
Her sassiness knows what she can get away with and with whom. She understands so much and she needs to be challenged in a way that inspires her. She had an amazing opportunity to be challenged with the most beautiful therapist we could have ever had the privilege to work with. Bay's time with KidTalk was amazing. She had 64 therapy sessions with a brilliant, loving and Baylor whispering woman. We hear so much more language echoed back to us, and a little more random answering of questions and statements. We are starting to see a little bit of conversation! Not surprising she is best when she is mad but she sure is trying. I am so sad this time is over but we anticipate more time in the future with the first person outside of us to 'get' Baylor. Her time with Vanderbilt gave us the opportunity to meet the creators of the software she used in her research study. Those kind gentlemen from Amsterdam gave her the software after watching her use it. Now she takes her iPad to school and uses it to communicate. What an amazing blessing!
Another amazing blessing this year was using homeopathy. Homeopathy is one of the most misunderstood mysteries I still cannot wrap my head around. I not only watched the healing take place in Baylor's life, but I happened to participate in the healing, as well. Stephen and I took our lack of understanding, but God-directed path of homeopathy, and learned a bit about prayer and about who we are in Christ. Then God. God blew our minds with answers to our prayers. Sure, we do not have the total healing at this moment we would so love to see, but God breathed on Baylor and touched her in response to our prayers. I mean, who are we that He'd love us that much to show us Who He Is? But He has. He will. I am in complete awe of my Abba and Yeshua. He fills me with peace, joy and freedom that I can find no where else and in no one else. My God is so amazing, I can only imagine how He touches Baylor's life and I am so completely unaware.
Being unaware can be such a hard place to be. You strive, you try and wish and pray to understand it all but you cannot. Maybe you and I are not supposed to because it would alter who we become. Maybe it would take away the beauty of the moments leading up to the grand finale. I am learning so much about patience. About waiting. My God, He knows I hate this waiting game. I trust Him. When I lose that footing I go back and find it. Sometimes He takes a bad week or a bad month and waits until I drop to me knees and beg Him to take full control. Not the half-ass pretend it is the full monty control I pretended to give over. The full thing.
So after a few really terrible weeks I finally realize I am trying to control. Seriously? I thought I handed that over a million times. I had not fully done that. God does not want part of our affection, adoration, life, or anything else. He wants it all. So I laid it fully at His feet. I do not remember when that was but I let go spiritually and physically. I slacked off on the SCD diet (which was great for her, btw), stopped putting my hope in the beautiful package of supplements I had received, etc. I stepped out in faith and let God have control. Would you know that she is doing better than ever? I am gaining more peace in thinking about her future. I still have moments of trying to pull back, trying to gain control. I am not perfect, never will be. I am trying, though. Trying to put my feet where my mouth is. I know Christians are considered hypocrites and i hate that. We are just sinners trying to do what we believe and sometimes miserably fail.
I have noticed I can be a hypocrite without even realizing I am doing so. It took me a few years to realize I was not really trusting God. I was only partially doing so. Wow. How humbling and how freeing the moment you pass the proverbial baton.
This leaves us to today, this time in the story already written. How beautiful a picture for me to hope in. My God has written our story, and He works it out for our good. We are just a chapter in it right now. If nothing changes, to God be the glory because great things He has done. His love is steadfast and faithful and sometimes I have to sit back and wait. Be still and know that He is God. He is enough. And her smile, her dimples, baby blues and precious arms that reach out to love on me. Who am I that I should be so loved?
Never quit believing His promises,
Team Baylor
Sent from my iPad
